In other news…..

Something else is happening right now and I can’y quite explain it except that it seems to alude to PJB’s last year state of mind. On the whole I’m not feeling v happy right now but its more complicated than that. Things dont feel right but its not the usual doom and gloom of my past depression, the symptoms of that being – become anti social, eat alot all the time, sleep alot, feel cold all the time, do nothing except read magazines. This isn’t that, its much more subtle or it was until recently. My weight loss is starting to scare me a bit now – i weight 8st and 12lbs now – thats less than i’ve weighed in about 5 yearsif not a bit longer. I can see two ribs that i couldnt before without sucking my tummy in. It started when i had the sinusitis and felt sick all the time and then my appetite never came back and i just stopped eating normally altogether. Its not the diet mentality of denying myself things I want – i just dont get any pleasure out of food like i used to. Sometimes I really try hard – i bought some chips on tuesday night and ate about 10 and threw the rest away. I love chips and they tasted like cardboard to me. I’ve started having little conversations with myself too. They go like this….’right ok you can eat breakfast at the uni but no carb items and let it get cold and minging so you only really eat a little bit’ Then…’make the most of it cos you wont eat again today except a tiny snack in the evening if things get really desperate’.
Meanwhile my motivation for uni work has gone into overdrive which on the surface is a good thing.I;m getting on and doing well my work but it dont feel happy about it i just see the next hurdle. I feel like i dont have time to absorb anything.
I know theres a few drunken tantrums on the horizon. I know they’re not healthy but i think some things need to come out before i go mad. Maybe thats for the best though. I’m going up to Edinburgh in a few weeks to meet up with the Sydney friends again and i’m dreading just breaking down instead of having a good time with people i’m fond of.

16 Responses to “In other news…..”

  1. Amylou Says:

    Oh honey. Maybe you’re getting more stressed with your uni work than you realise? Hence working in overdrive but not having an appetite?

    I can’t really advise sweetie because I don’t understand all that’s going/gone on but talk to someone how you’re feeling. Talk to Pinky and other bloggers that have gone through what you’re going through and talk to someone about your attitude to food at the moment.

    We’re always here to listen

  2. pinky Says:

    I agree with Amy… you need to talk to someone about the food thing. Your body needs it and it could be one of the major reasons that you’re feeling so down. If you’re not getting all the nutrients you need then it’s going to be making you feel worse.
    If you can’t eat more, then at least get a kick ass vitamin supplement

    As for your friends, i know you don’t want to break down, but try talking to them about it. I give my friends a warning (that we laugh about but they get it) i just say at the beginning of the night ‘i’m feeling emotional at the moment so i might get upset later on!’

    Also, allow yourself to be upset when you want to be. When you’re home and comfortable then relax and let yourself feel all those feelings that you’re worried about. It will be better than it all coming out in a drunken tantrum.

    And you know there’s loads of people around here to talk to about it xx

  3. sungirltan Says:

    thanx guys. that was a bit of an emotional vomit from me. i gave up working last night and went to bed early for once. feel alot brighter today – i forget instantly how much of a depression trigger just being tired is. also my juicy tracksuit came yesterday – its so pretty – C says its chav but i love it!!

  4. pinkjellybaby Says:

    oh i wish i was teeny enough for velour!! 🙂 x

  5. sungirltan Says:

    the size i had to get was LARGE – thats just facist – i am in no way large!!!

  6. Amylou Says:

    Ooh! How is the tracksuit? Really am going to look on eBay for one!

  7. Amylou Says:

    Oh and how the heck do I get my name to link to my site?!!x

  8. blue soup Says:

    hey honey, be careful with the food thing. It’s an easy slope to slip down. xxx

  9. sungirltan Says:

    amy – i will send u the seller link when i get around to it – the tracksuit wicked – really pretty and was only £30 – i dunno how you link to the site – BS – yeh i know xxx

  10. Pete Says:

    Hey Tan, I really hope you can just relax in Edinburgh, don’t be nervous or worry about it. You should see someone about the food thing, I’m worried about you x

  11. Amy Says:

    Ooh fab! Whenever you can sweetheart.xx

  12. pinkjellybaby Says:

    well if you’re a large, they wouldn’t even do one to fit on my little finger.

  13. sungirltan Says:

    large is apparently either 8 – 10 or 10 – 12 seemed diff on all the listings i looked at x

  14. Amy Says:

    I saw a girl yesterday with a juicy tracksuit on. It just looks the ultimate on comfort!

  15. sungirltan Says:

    it is yeh. even if it is chavvy im so not bothered!

  16. Amy Says:

    Chavvy?! Such blaspemy! 😉

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