Archive for June, 2007
I have a snotty cold. I’ve had it a week now. It won’t push off.
That is all.
I have dropped back down to 8st 11. Which considering all the EATING i have been doing lately is a problem.
I am waiting to hear about a job which i really want.
Weather is shit.
I’m really bored.
Stupid flatmate came in at 2am and screamed for an hour and a half. At her MOTHER!
I really need a job.
I had dinner with Dad again on Monday night. Same olde worlde hotel in Torquay with set menu and waiters in tailcoats.
It was really very nice. He was very good. Lydia as always tell me ‘you are so beautiful in yellow darlink. darlink you must often take yellow on the clothes’ Dad brought me a copy of The Ragged Trousered Phillanthropists. We arn’t such strangers after all.
I think that now he sees me a bit more often that he puts less pressure on himself to impart this huge burden of emotion on to me which he has in the past.
I will see him again in two weeks for Golowan down the line. I told him we could go up the road to the cash and curry. He was very excited. His girlfriend is flying back to Zagreb tomorrow and he will be kicking his heels in that dinosaur of a house for a few weeks. I have begun to hate the thought of him being alone there. I’m convinced that on one of his frequent off days he will leave the gas on or do something like try and cut the hedge and that will be that.
I got on the train and bawled all the way back to Plymouth. Thank heaven for large sunglasses.
Then today i remembered my Mum the other day telling me how he used to push her down the stairs when she was pregnant with me and i feel guilty for being sad.
My first week post uni has been educational in another way. My fog about alot of things has lifted. I admit i now know the following:
1. Stress is about 90% tiredness.
2. Stress can lead to bad decisions (i will try anything if i think it may somehow alleviate the stress)
3. Whatever it (alright he) is will more than likely add to the problem.
4. If i went to bed earlier and spent more time dispelling stress instead of pursuing relationships i’d probably have no stress.
I spent alot of this year believing that due to my age etc and my friends starting to trickle down the settled route that if i found a partner and started putting down roots that i would be happier. Now i’ve had time to breathe for a change i realise with alarming clarity that this is not the case at all. I’m just not ready. I’m too selfish and i’m not ashamed about that. My near future aspirations include doing really well at uni and buying a nice flat on the barbican and filling it with cool stuff. Including expensive shoes. I also want to work abroad for a while because its easy to get short term contracts doing social work so why the hell not? I want to travel during my summer break next year and plan to save a bit during this year since i wont have time to spend any money!
I’ve had C’s little treasure all weekend. We had a v lovely time going to the Spring Watch roadshow and swimming and the park etc etc. She keeps me young and i love her company BUT by the end of each weekend i’m v aware that i’m not ready to have my own child. I value my own time far too much and i cant give it up yet.
All of these things are barriers to relationships but i know now thats its ok. Its not time yet.
I’m happy as i am xxxxx
C is having sleepless nights. Mostly due to late pregnancy boredom. PLEASE BRING ME BACK SOMETHING TO READ, she pleaded when i went up to my folks at the weekend. I returned with Small Island and Brick Lane, which are on our summer reading list for uni and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, which, if you don’t know is a novel written from the standpoint of an autistic teenager. Mum sent it out to me in America in 04 because she thought it was so amazing. I read it and loved it and gave it straight to H who also enthused on its briliance. I left behind all my paperbacks after camp but i couldn’t part with that one.
It’s having a similar effect on C. She confessed the other day ‘my sister and my mum were here earlier and all i could think was that i wished they’d hurry up and leave so i could read my book’. This also extends to me. I took some hair dye down last night so she didnt have to waddle up to superdrug. C opened the door with it still in her hand and said ‘right i’ve got to finish this chapter before i can even talk to you im afraid’. So i sloped off to find little nipper instead. I found her in the bath talking to a plastic fish named Ben.
So i have been having my enforced little holiday between uni ending (v stressful week indeed) and starting temping next week for the summer. So C and I went to Dawlish for the day which is a bit like Butlins without a big fence around it.
This is what i spent all afternoon making. Notice mine and nipper’s matching poses….
We also had a spare even littler nipper with us courtesy of a very busy mum. I gave it my best Posh Beckham look (does this baby make me look fat??). Couldn’t help noticing all the looks you get when people think you’re a single mum (it goes like this – look at SGT, notice buggy and or toddler attached to hip, check out left hand for a ring, find nothing, sneer and think they haven’t noticed).