Nothings yours on easy terms

I had dinner with Dad again on Monday night. Same olde worlde hotel in Torquay with set menu and waiters in tailcoats.
It was really very nice. He was very good. Lydia as always tell me ‘you are so beautiful in yellow darlink. darlink you must often take yellow on the clothes’ Dad brought me a copy of The Ragged Trousered Phillanthropists. We arn’t such strangers after all.
I think that now he sees me a bit more often that he puts less pressure on himself to impart this huge burden of emotion on to me which he has in the past.
I will see him again in two weeks for Golowan down the line. I told him we could go up the road to the cash and curry. He was very excited. His girlfriend is flying back to Zagreb tomorrow and he will be kicking his heels in that dinosaur of a house for a few weeks. I have begun to hate the thought of him being alone there. I’m convinced that on one of his frequent off days he will leave the gas on or do something like try and cut the hedge and that will be that.
I got on the train and bawled all the way back to Plymouth. Thank heaven for large sunglasses.

Then today i remembered my Mum the other day telling me how he used to push her down the stairs when she was pregnant with me and i feel guilty for being sad.

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3 Responses to “Nothings yours on easy terms”

  1. Pete Says:

    Hey Tan, it’s natural to feel sad for him, he’s still your father right? It’s not a nice thought, I know, but people do change, and putting the past behind you is good. It doesn’t mean you’re accepting of what he did, or that you’re condoning it, but forgivness is the best way, and it sounds like you’re getting on so much better now. xx

  2. punctuation Says:

    I realise your mum probably needs to discuss stuff like that (my mum used to say things about my dad being horrible whilst they were married – actually, more than horrible, but you know what I mean) but in a way it’s a bit cruel because it puts you in a position of being “on her side” or “on his side” – like “I told you what he used to do to me”. Particularly as parents get older, and we do to, it seems far more important for live for the now instead of judging the past. It’s not about forgiving your dad or condoning it’s more about living the time he has left to the full, whilst he’s there to do it. 😦

    BTW: have you ever read a “brief history of tractors in Ukranian”? Your description of Lydia makes me smile and think of the central characters in it…. 🙂

  3. punctuation Says:

    and reading that last comment back I should type more slowly and read what I’ve written so I make less grammatical errors…too/to/for live – I sound a bit Ukranian myself!

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