Dear advice dispensing public….

I have a friend with a relationship dilemma. It goes like this:

My friend, Quirky, has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, Drummer for 18 months. They lived together for the first year and all was mostly good. I should add that he is 17 years older than she. After a year together he went out one night and kissed a girl who he plays in a band with. After 5 days he told Quirky and they split up. She moved out of the flat and got a place on her own, dusted herself down and got on with things. Drummer was heartbroken and embarked on a campaign to get her back. It took about 2 months i think but she stayed in her flat and he in his. Quirky is still v raw about the kiss, especially as Drummer confessed that he found Band Girl attractive because she is v thin and Quirky is more rubenesque. I would like to add her that during the break Quirky was romanced by a series of men including a big strapping marine but rejected them all wanting to be alone. Quirky still gets upset about the kiss now they are back together though and it ocmes up now and then. Drummer is being increasing nasty and always retorts with ‘well its your fault it happened because you are fat’.

Obviously I think Drummer’s behaviour is outrageous but he is also a friend so i try to be a bit open minded but what galls me the most is that Drummer is by no means what you’d call a catch. He is 37 years old, manages to both be skinny and maintain a beer gut, has three children by two mothers (i like children but they are a drain on time and pennies if you are weighing up such things) he has a degree but chooses to work as a carer for not much money and has no house/mortgage etc. Oh wait he has a car. Anyway wouldn’t judge someone on all of these things but he is judging Quirky i that way so i/we feel justified.

What do you think??

19 Responses to “Dear advice dispensing public….”

  1. punctuation Says:

    It’s fairly straight-forward: drummer is a twat and she needs to steer well clear of him, permanently. Love IS blind and sometimes it needs a helping hand to not accidentally step in front of a large, mean speeding double-decker bus of a disastrous relationship.

    No-one has the right to treat their partner like that and telling her that it’s her fault “because she is fat” is 100 percent unforgivable..what a knob.

  2. amillionpieces Says:

    Anyone who utters those words: ‘well its your fault it happened because you are fat’ is not worth a girls effort. Quirky should be sensible and have a bit more self respect.

  3. gemmak Says:

    Simple! No brainer…sorry but Drummer is a wan*er of the highest order, what a bloody nerve, who does he think he is telling Quirky it’s ‘her fault’!!! He needs a swift poke in the eye accompanied by the phrase ‘f*ck off’…ugh, I could spit!
    (apologies for the expletives but …)

  4. Fabulous Says:

    hmm do you think that she just went back to him as it is the safest option?. It felt comfortable.
    If it was me, i wouldnt of gone back and i dont think that she should of either as Drummer sounds like a complete waste of space. Sorry tan as i know he is your friend but seriously he wanted her back then calls her fat. Sounds like he just wants someone to control.
    Its hard coz she has gone back so it might be hard for her to get out of it now.
    Love must be very blind for her.

  5. Matt Says:

    What a knob jockey,
    She should leave well alone, easier said then done.

  6. sungirltan Says:

    confused!! i left a reply hours ago but its vanished!!!
    i agree with every btw – he is a knob – if he wasn’t her fella but still my mate id have punched him by now.
    he clearly thinks he can pull super models – which is extremely deluded if you knew him!!

  7. pinkjellybaby Says:

    he sounds like a tosser

  8. Sal Says:

    Hmmm. That was C’s justification for snogging bitch-face. It was a long road to ruin that you know took me years to get over and I still struggle with now.

    Mate or no mate – punch the twat.


  9. sungirltan Says:

    sal – c being another deluded, arrogant man who thinks he deserves super models.

  10. Perpetual Says:

    She needs to cut him loose. The trust has gone and that will never come back, instead there will be the underlying feelings of anger and hatred that build up over time.

  11. sungirltan Says:

    perps – yeh you’re right – that kiknd of is whats happening – she resents him more and more and he tries to counteract it by being even meaner. he is a mean bean

  12. Bulldog Says:

    She should stomp his sorry ass in a mudhole, write “LOSER” on his forehead in permanent marker, THEN tell him to take a hike. And that’s the mildest approach that occurred to me.

  13. Dom Says:

    Dump him, come stay with me for a couple of days so how she should be treated 😀

  14. sungirltan Says:

    ill send her your way then dom!!!

  15. hoverfrog Says:

    Right, simply because everyone else is saying that she should ditch him I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate and defend him. He was wrong to kiss the skinny girl but has apologised and been taught a valuable lesson about the consequences of his actions. It does seem to have permanently tarnished their relationship though as Quirky is unable to let it go. Drummer may well feel that he has paid for the wrong and is now annoyed by it being used as a constant weapon against him. He may well be reacting in a negative way by making disparaging comments about Quirky’s rubenesque figure but this is a reaction rather than a personality trait.

    If she is unable to forgive him for his indiscretion then she should leave but if she has forgiven him then she should not hold it over him. I’m afraid I see the problem as being a matter of her incomplete forgiveness for his wrong. The error originates with him but is being perpetuated by her.

    Let the lambasting commence.

  16. Perpetual Says:

    That is a reasonable argument HF, but in my experience people cannot and do not forgive, forget and move on from these things. Therefore these things will always be a problem in the future.

  17. hoverfrog Says:

    Rather than make them both unhappy it is surely better to part if Quirky cannot forgive him. That or he has to learn to live with the constant reminder of his mistake without being a snarky wassername all the time.

    It is piling wrong on top of wrong for him to react by name calling. It is also fairly obvious that the only things that a man should ever say about a woman’s body should be complimentary. Negative comments should come from other women or from very obviously and stereotypically gay male friends. I’m not sure why this is so and I’m well aware that it is sexist but I feel it deep down in my bones that making negative comments about the appearance of women is unhealthy for everyone.

  18. Lisa Says:

    Sounds like a complete tosser to me. I may have forgiven the kiss (may have), but not the bit about blaming her for it. He not only didn’t take responsibility for his actions, but he insulted her at the same time! He’s a tosser. Completely.

  19. Midnight Says:

    Anyone who tries to shoft the blame like that, is not worth any more time and effort. She should move on, especially as there seems to be an ample supply of male suitors out there.

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