Posts Tagged ‘jealousy’

Please let me go with you, I’ll wear the smile on your face

March 27, 2008

I did some training yesterday about a tool developed by a similar runaways project to facilitate discussion around emotions with young people. One of the exercises was to choose an emotion and  give it a colour/feel/shape etc and then contextulaise it. For example ‘what does *** mean to you/those around you’. I chose happiness. I descibed it as being red in colour, sounding like music, feeling like a kitten and being heart shaped. After a while it gets easier and you stop over thinking and write the first thing that comes into your head. when I havd to describe what happiness means to me/those around me all I could think was that quite often I worry about telling people I am happy because I know that it has a good chance of causing resentment/irritation/jealousy. I think this is quite sad and an indication that I don’t feel very supported.  I think my supposed support system looks like this;

  • Mum. On the whole v supportive but has high expectations of me and this year has had alot of her own issues so shared joy is a bit sporadic.
  • Dad. One extreme to the other. When he is happy then he’s overjoyed by my smallest acheivements. When he’s cranky he only assesses information with regard to how it affects him and can be quite nasty. He also bitches to my sisters about me and vice versa so its a bit hit and miss.
  • My sister. Makes a big fuss about being there for me. Gives delayed, luke warm responses.

On the other hand…

  • Best friend A. Very supportive about everything. If i’m happy, shes happy for me. One of the few friends I have who I don’t feel competes with me.
  • Long standing friend S. Much the same as A. I’m lucky to have these two – wish I saw more of them.
  • MYF’s. Although I’ve underestimated them in the past they are actually very good to me. This was quite evident when I was ill earlier in the year.

But then theres…

  • Friend I have fallen out with: I hide things from her. I tell myself its to protect her feelings but actually its to avoid her covert meanness. She made some barbed comments recently accusing me of becoming ‘too materialistic’ since I have been with Shep. I am still f**ked off about this. I think she found it easier when we were both struggling with life. Maybe I make her feel bad about herself. i dunno really. I don’t mean to and i’ve gone out of my way alot to support her.

Not forgetting…..

  • Shep. Well I can’t really complain about him!! In all seriousness he’s great but I’ve only had him a few months. He did one say something very meaningful to me though, which was ‘got strong arms to carry baggage’.